My Tax Dollars at Work

Most of you probably already know this, but I've got a trip to Egypt coming up quickly. Me and The Kid are going to go visit Trophy Husband and see some pyramids while we're at it. Two weeks ago TH told me to make sure I packed a light jacket. He has since retracted that comment, it's only February and apparently it's already hot as hades over there.

There was a bit of a panic a little while back, I couldn't locate The Kid's passport. I finally hauled him up to the post office to get a new one. I'm pretty sure the old one had expired anyway. We got there at 7 am, when the post office opened, and were first in line at the passport desk. A Very Nice Postal Worker took his picture while I filled out the forms.

When you get a passport for a minor you have to have consent of both parents. This way one half of a divorcing couple can't disappear to Venezuela with child in tow. Or at least it makes it harder to do so. When I got to the part of the form about parental consent I told VNPW that my husband was on active military duty in Egypt. "How do we handle this?" She replied that it's not a problem, just write that on the form where it asks why you don't have consent from both parents. So I did. VNPW looked over my form to ensure everything was in order and we sent off the application and paid extra for expedited service. We were cutting it close and my wallet was now $200 lighter.

Yesterday I get a call from the Passport Agency, it went right to my voicemail without so much as a ring, they just said that I needed to call them back and they gave me a reference number. When I called back, I could only leave a message. I tried 4 more times that evening with nothing but answering machines. At 8 pm (!!?) they finally called me to let me know that I can't get The Kid a passport without written consent from Trophy Husband. It' can't be scanned and emailed. They might accept a fax. Seriously? I'm $3700 into this trip and you want me to go ahead and hang my hope on a "might"? And the best part, they suggest that the form be mailed too. Really? It takes 12 days for me to get a package to Egypt. It takes even longer to get one from there to here. If someone had brought this up as I was filling out the application I could have had everything to them, by mail, just in time.

I sent frantic messages to Trophy Husband via Facebook, Skype and three email accounts. He got at least one of them, printed the form and had it notarized (thank God they have a notary on post!) but he can't fax it. He scanned and emailed it to me. I faxed it this morning. I have also called the Passport Agency to see if it was received and, wait for it, had to leave a message. Nice. If I'm lucky I might get The Kid's passport the week we are supposed to leave.

There's that word again, might. If this doesn't work out I might have to go postal.

UPDATE:

Passport Agency just called. "We've looked everywhere, are you sure you faxed it?" Yeah, I'm sure. "Well just try it again" and she gave me a second number to send it to as well. I asked if someone would be able to call me back once it was finally received. "No, you'll just have to call us and leave a message."

Stuff and Things

So on Thursday of last week I had another chemical peel. This one was a little different. Kenlee (my aesthetician) said this one would be a little stronger than the last one. During the process she always asks you to rate your discomfort on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being a cake walk and 10 makes you run screaming from the room (those are my words, not hers). For the first peel I rated my discomfort as an 8. It could have been worse but I certainly wasn't enjoying it. Thursday, now that was different. I could tell right away it was stronger. She finished the application and started to ask me about my discomfort level. I didn't even let her finish the sentence. 10! It's a 10!

As before the "spicyness" peaked and then started to back off a little bit. Just as I was creeping back towards a positivly comfortable 8 (oh, how I missed 8) Kenlee says "ok, I just have to put that on one more time." Oh you've got to be kidding me! I braced myself and took it lying down. By the time she was done my eyes were watering and it wasn't because of any fumes.

All of this in the persuit of spot-freeness. I hope it's worth it. And I really should have taken a picture but it was pretty gross. That would be why there's no picture.

•••

Tonight I was at the gym and they had the olympics on. I'm not much of a fan of watching any sport. I'd just as soon watch something else and check the score the next day. As I was tied to the elliptical machine doing my 10 minute warm up the ski jump event was on. I couldn't help but wonder how they roped people into this event the first time they did it hundreds of years ago. Or whenever, it's not like I'm going to take the time to look it up. I already told you I'm not interested in sports.

"Ok, put these on your feet, yeah I know their twice as long as you are tall, it's ok. Now stand on top of this big ramp that we built on top of this big hill. Put your feet into the tracks and slide as fast as you can towards the end of the ramp. When you get to the end, you're gonna fall, just lean into it."

I guess that's Darwin at work. Only the guys who figured out they had to stand back up before landing lived to compete the next day.

A psycho squirrel

My friend JayHawk posted the trailer to the new Nightmare on Elm Street a few months ago on his facebook, so I had to watch my old horror movies. I choose My Bloody Valentine to watch at like Midnight; then while I was innocently watching said movie.

A psycho squirrel decides to run across the deck and body slam into the picture window behind my head. You should have heard me scream.

I then posted the above on facebook and got these comments:

MO: You could have hear me laughing when i read that :)

KSA: i dont know how anybody can watch those kind of movies. they give me nightmares! i would be up for days!

Me: I am a glutton for punishment when it comes to scary movies.

Hot Carl: I've told you to stop watching scary movies!!!! Now I have to deal with your nightmares. Thanks Honey.

MDM: Thanks! I needed a good laugh today

At Least They Wore Helmets

So yesterday as I was patiently waiting to get on the highway on my way home from work I see this go zooming by:

I guess their car must be in the shop.

Drunken Laughter

I have decided everything is funnier when drunk. I haven’t gotten drunk since I was 25 that was until recently. 10 years later I go out one night with Chl, Ginger and M&M and I have a few drinks (8, I think). This starts the drunkenness.

We were going to go to a piano bar and we were there too early so we hung out at a bar next door and had a couple drinks while we waited. The bartender was heavy handed, not that I am complaining, and the drinks were doubles. So our two drinks are more like 4. We go next door and proceed to have 4 more regular drinks. This is when I start drunken texting. I precede to text my brothers and my husband and Chl who is sitting next to me.

I get home that night (M&M’s husband picks us up, gotta love Raider for that), and my husband has to get me ready for bed, because I am a gummy bear. I start laughing I have no idea why, and cannot stop. He is laughing at me. I ask Hot Carl all serious like, “Why are you laughing at me?” He just says, “You are cute and giggling and it makes me laugh.” This starts the giggling all over. I ended up falling asleep (passing out) giggling.

Fast-forward 3 months and it’s my birthday. Hot Carl, me, my brother Sea Bass and his wife T-bag (I know, I didn’t choose her name) go out to celebrate. We go to Sea Bass’ watering hole. A nice friendly little bar where everyone knows him. I order an UV Bomber. This is Cherry UV Vodka and Lemonade (which taste like Kool-aid), and Sea Bass warns me they go down smooth and are dangerous. I tell Big Brother I am a grown woman and can handle my liquor. Hot Carl, Sea Bass and T-bag all order beer.

Two UV Bombers later I walk to the restroom, and according to Sea Bass and HC I fling the door open and just look in for about 30 seconds before walking in and looking in the mirror. I then remember the open door and shut it. They tell me this when I come back and sit down. I didn’t believe them until T-bag backed them up. I think this explains why the 5 guys at the table next to us are staring at me.

Two more UV Bombers later, the waitress tells us that the bartender has been pouring doubles all night because Sea Bass told him it was my birthday and only charging us singles. I have now had 8 drinks again.

We go home and poor Hot Carl gets gummy bear ready for bed again. I am now laughing like an idiot and he asks, “What is so funny?” I reply, “Just thought of this awesome joke.” All I remember is falling asleep (passing out). HC tells me in the morning that I was just babbling incomprehensibly about drinking and jokes.

So I have no idea what the joke was, but apparently liquor made it funny.

We have a wine trip coming up in a couple months, so let’s see what happens.

Cruisn' Part 2

Now I have cruised on Princess before and it was fabulous. This time we went on Royal Caribbean. Now there is Royal and there is Royalty. There is a difference. Royal Caribbean would be considered a Duke or Duchess and Princess would be a Princess.

The rooms, food and shows were all better on Princess. However the service was better on Royal Caribbean. The bar tenders didn’t ignore you or give you a dirty look on Royal Caribbean when you asked for a coke in your all inclusive coke glass. We had towel animals on Royal Caribbean that were so super cute.

On Princess there were several comediennes, musical shows and a movie theater. On Royal Caribbean there was one comedian that was ok, a juggler and one musical review. The Musical Review was the last night on the ship and it was a 60’s-90’s review of pop music.

Now you have to realize I am no Celine Dion but I sang in church and school choirs for 20 plus years, played musical instruments and my brother is operatically trained. He is good and I used to go to his performances, so I know when someone is flat, sharp, off key or pitchy. And this show had all that and more. I don’t think I ever stopped laughing the whole show, and it was not a comedy.

They opened with a Dusty Springfield song that was a little flat, and then progressed to Sonny and Cher that was off key and then to Aretha Franklin sung by a tiny little blonde girl that was sharp.

Next was a Cindy Lauper like person and all the dancers were dressed in leopard print and pastels with purple top hats. The singing was good on this song. Then a man in a pink velour halter dress over a black satin dress shirt and black satin pants came out singing Father Figure by George Michael with a lisp. I lost it, I about fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard.

The Body Guard song was next and the woman did a great job she could have given Whitney Houston a run for her money. There were a couple Rhythm Nation, Janet Jackson, Earth Wind and Fire and some Color Me Bad songs next. They were all a little pitchy and sharp, but thoroughly entertaining.

The final song was, “It’s so hard to say goodbye” by Boys II Men. It was like battle of the divas they murdered it, one flat, one sharp, and two off key. I was cringing in my seat. They ended with introducing everyone and then the Captain came out and said hello and she greeted everyone as they left that was a nice surprise.

Next time I will go to the super bowl party in the bar.

Crusin' Part 1

So my friend Spyder and I went on a cruise to the Bahamas last weekend for my birthday. We decided to go on a three day cruise since she had never been on one; and was not sure if she would like cruising.

I flew out of KCMO and she flew out of BWI. When Hot Carl dropped me off at the airport it was 5am and sleeting. We were ½ hour late taking off, because they had to de-ice the plane. Yes us Kansans and Missourians fly in ice and snow (take note Atlanta). I land in Memphis and check my phone. I have a panicked message from Spyder’s parents that they cannot get a hold of her and they not know if she made it out of BWI because of the wind shears and snow, and that they have shut down BWI. I assume since I have not heard from Spyder she is on the plane. I call her parents and calm them down. Get on plane #2 and head to Orlando.

On the plane an elderly couple Jay and Dee sit beside me and we start talking. They too are going on the same cruise and they are Platinum members of Royal Caribbean. We exchange cabin numbers and chat on the 1 ½ hr flight and promise to meet up on the ship. We land Spyder is there and she meets Jay and Dee and then I made sure she called her parents and calmed them down. I call Hot Carl let him know I am safe and headed to the ship. Hot Carl then informs me that 3 inches of snow has fallen and he is headed out side on his 1st day off in two weeks to shovel the snow, poor guy.

Spyder, Jay, Dee and I all head to the transfer bus that will drive us the hour to Port Canaveral and to our impending Sun and Fun. We arrive and get checked into the ship and head to our cabins. Spyder and I get to our cabin drop our luggage on the tiny twin beds and hang up our formals so the wrinkles will come out. We then head for food. We hit the buffet and eat what else? Hamburgers of course, they really only had snack foods, hamburgers, pizza and hot dogs out since it was 2pm. We then look at shops and then head back to the room, since Muster is in 15 mins. Muster is when everyone walks from the cabins to the decks of the ship in this case (every ship is different) and listens to what to do is we pull a Titanic. At this point the drunken woman next to me trips over her own feet, falls into her husband and then laughs and spills her drink on him. This is the first of many drunkards to come.

We had back to the cabin again to put on swim suits and sun bath. We sun bath about an hour before the 35 mph winds makes it too cold to stay on top of the ship. We decide to go play bingo. It is only one game and I get one number I18 away from winning when some woman screams and wins. Oh well. Patrick the Cruise Director assistant then tells us if we find him on the cruise and say, “Hey, Hey Patrick” he will give us free Bingo cards to play later. This starts my stalking of Patrick.

We head to dinner, and had ok chicken and steak for dinner. Our table mates that night are two pharmacists from Michigan on a girl’s weekend like us and a Joe Pesci wanna be from Toronto. There was not a single dessert I could eat so they brought me a plate of food that was yummy.
The next morning we docked in Nassau and went shopping because it was supposed to rain and be cold. We hit all the touristy stuff and went on the scavenger hunt with our ship port shopping book, which allows you to get free tanzanite chip ear rings, free Del Sol tote bag, free quartz ear rings, etc. We also found the Bacardi store FREE SAMPLES!!! There I found fabulous Banana Rum and bought three bottles for $1.50 each. I also bought one bottle of Coconut rum, to have it all taken away when we boarded the boat. I was promised I would get it back at the end of the trip. We went back to the ship and tried to lie out again, but it was too cold, so we took naps and then head to formal photo shoots and dinner. Now I need to explain how I pack. I get a lot of grief from the hussies on how I pack.

A friend about 5 years ago told me to pack clothes you were going to throw away because that leaves you room to bring home souvenirs. So pack t-shirts with holes in them, that you wear under other shirts, old underwear, socks, etc. So I pack a pair of pants that were a little tight for the regular dinners, a pointy madonna bra, and then the formal. This formal was more semi-horrible than anything. Apparently I was high the day I bought it. It was a brown satin broom stick skirt and a brown/teal/sequined Nero jacket. Yeah it was bad. So I wore this outfit to dinner that night and had pictures taken in it. I will post pictures later. That night dinner was a dry sea bass fillet. Also the waiters knew it was my birthday weekend and sung Happy Birthday to me in English, Spanish, Portuguese, Italian, and Chinese, and I got an extra plate of fruit.

The final day we were supposed to dock at CoCo Cay and snorkel, but there were 9 foot waves and we could not dock so we sailed around in circles and played trivia on the ship and Bingo. I had stalked Patrick all three days and kept jumping up and yelling, “Hey, Hey Patrick;” I was able to accumulate 4 Bingo cards. We lost again, but won 10 bucks on pull tabs sheets that they handed out. We shopped on the boat and read books and relaxed, played scrabble and hung out with Jay and Dee, who shared their platinum coupons with us. That evening we went to the musical review. Which will be tomorrow’s post. Dinner was a dry salmon fillet and fruit, then the head waitress who knew I was lactose intolerant and that I liked tofu had the chef whip up a special plate of sautéed tofu with carrots, onions and peppers. I had to eat it even though I was so stuffed I wanted to throw up. So after a plate of tofu, salmon and fruit, you can imagine the gas that was brewing. This is when I wished we would have sprung for a room with a window. Sorry again Spyder.

The final morning we wake up at 4am in 40 degree weather to go see the Space Shuttle launch at 4:14am and it launched behind a cloud so we saw nothing. Imagine 100 people on deck freezing looking up at the sky. A few smart ones brought their blankets and wrapped it around them. We went back down to the room packed and got ready to go home.

I got my Rum back and packed it; we got to the port, bussed to the airport and flew home in a snow storm. Even though it was cold we still had a blast.

Now with 25% More Flames

Take one over-roided dude with highlighted hair and Oakleys in optic white, add one perfectly polished silver Nissan Z with matching silver Nissan Z keyring swinging from rear view mirror and what do you get? The Super Douche.

Now add to that a Fireman's Local sticker placed in perfect tramp-stamp position on the rear window and what do you get? Flaming Super Douche. I wonder if this guy knows he's a walking (or in this case driving) cliche?

Liquid Shame Stick

OMG...I just drank the elixir of the Gods. I am ashamed to even say what it is aloud. Could liquid ice cream taste better? I think not.

I have put myself on a budget. That means no more 10 dollar lunches except for a special occassion. No more Starbuck Caramel Frappacinos...Except as the rare treat.

But, I found a work around. I will make my own iced coffee goodness! First I heat milk, sugar and half/half in a pan. Then I simply add some Dulce Cinnamon Roasted Coffee. Mix well and refrigerate. Well I ran out on Thursday. On Friday, I still wanted some but was running late.

So I mixed together the milk, sugar and half/half in a mug and ran out the door. When I got to work I made myself a glass of milk coffee. Yummo. BUT I had some of the milk/sugar/half & half mixture left.

I drank it late this afternoon. My toes did a little tap dance inside my boots. Talk about a shame stick! I think my elixir would triumph over anyone's butter dipped in sugar shame stick.

(Don't ask me about my low-carb eating. I am having an off month. Yes, I realize we are only in the first week of February.)

Dear Lost,

I want to thank you for keeping me in constant confusion for the past 6 years. Seriously! How can you beat a show that leaves you yelling "WHAT?!" at the screen at the end of every show? I don't know what I'll do when I don't have to spend an hour of my life repeating "the hell?", over and over.

I can't wait to learn all the answers, but I'm gonna be bummed when it's over. Luckily, I can still head over to Jorge Garcia's blog for daily Hurley laughs.

I'm expecting alot from the series finale, but I'm pretty sure you can't beat the best series ending of all time ... the Sopranos!

Under Construction

I'm about to willingly subject myself to a terribly stressful situation. I'm going to remodel my basement bathroom. That is as long as I can afford it. I've never done this before and I really have no idea what this is going to cost me.

We live in a three bedroom ranch style house with a full basement that is partially finished. By partially finished I mean some clown hung drywall and some really lovely simulated wood grain paneling on a couple of walls. And there's a bathroom down there too. The Clown chose to build the bathroom right under the central HVAC duct. The result is a cave-like experience at best, even though the rest of the basement has a really nice ceiling height, for a basement that is. Add to that bathroom-cave a tiny square shower surround with no light and then screw up the install on the shower pan so the low spot is back in a corner, rather than where the drain is. This allows water to pool nicely giving you that wonderful cave smell. It's all about the ambiance folks. Oh, and the only light source in the bathroom-cave is a craptastic medicine cabinet/mirror/light combination that uses two 10 inch fluorescent tubes. Those tubes are impossible to find replacements for. You can get close, but nothings quite right and therefore there has been no light in the bathroom-cave for over 4 years. No light means no cleaning. Go ahead and let your imagination fly with that one. Yep, it's pretty bad down there.

Trophy Husband and I have been talking about fixing the cave-bathroom for a very long time. My upstairs bathroom has a stubborn leak in the shower that has damaged some of the wall but before I tear that bathroom up, I want to have one to use somewhere, even if it's in the basement. As part of the remodel we are also going to wall off a furnace room and storage area and a nice large laundry room. For now we are going to leave the laundry room unfinished but we may go back and do something there at a later date. The furnace room will remain unfinished.

I've just stared this process. I'll be getting three estimates. One is from literally Three Men and a Hammer. Then there's the Contractor Friend who's married to another friend of mine. And finally, a local kitchen and bath Remodeling Co with a large crew. Contractor Friend is the only name I didn't get directly from the Better Business Bureau's website. So far Contractor Friend and Remodeling Co have come by the house to see what I have in mind but I don't have any estimates yet. I just hope that once all of the numbers are in I can proceed. If it's too expensive the project will have to wait. You'll hear more as soon as I know more!