I headed out this evening to get a massage. I went to the same place I've been going to for a year. Apparently I didn't get the memo about the switch from massage parlor to torture chamber. I'm pretty sure I would have opted out this time around. It started out innocently enough. The lady took me back to one of the rooms and started out by asking me if I had any areas that needed special attention. I told her no, I just wanted a relaxing massage. You know, like I've had every other time I've been here. I know it was in my little file that she was obviously pretending to read. "No problem", she said. Yeah, right!
She began with my head. It was all fine and dandy until she actually started to move her fingers. I was thinking to myself, "Hey lady, that's my hair that you're slowly twisting around your fingers while moving from spot to spot. Please, don't unwind the hair from your fingers as you're moving around. That would be the smart thing to do." Then she rubbed behind my ears. Hard. I'd never had anyone do that before and I'm pretty positive I don't want it to happen again. Next, she moved down to my neck. Have you ever had a Vulcan neck pinch? I have. For about 10 minutes straight. It hurt so bad I was seeing stars. I thought, ok, apparently my neck is really tight and she's just really getting in there trying to loosen the knots. Surely she'll ease up as she moves along. You know, since this is supposed to be relaxing and everything.
Wrong!! She moved onto my arms. She started rubbing them up and down. This isn't so bad. Then she pulled out her vice-like grip and Hercules thumbs and started grinding them back and forth and up and down evey square inch of my arm. The only thing I could think at this point was, "Holy shit, bitch!" In my mind, I was able to make a fist, which I used to punch her square in the nose. In reality, she was pressing so hard on every nerve in my arm, I'm pretty sure I couldn't have even bent my fingers. Next, she moved down to my legs. Rub, rub, rub, grind, grind, grind. Holy flip! Then she moved on to my feet. This is usually my favorite part of the massage. Again, I was sorely mistaken. She took her devil thumbs and jabbed them into the arch of my foot as hard as she could, over and over. You'd think my toes curling and face contorting in pain would be a dead give away for her to stop. Possibly the involuntary leg jerk? Nope, not this gal.
At this point she had me flip over onto my stomach. Back to the legs she went. I'm pretty sure I was numb below the waist, so I didn't really feel the pain. After my legs, she moved up to my ass. She used the heels of her hands to push, mash and poke everwhere. I'm pretty sure she even punched me in the panooch at one point, but like I said, I was numb. Up to my back she went. She actually started to rub it for a minute to where it felt good. This lasted until she took her steel-plateds thumbs and jammed them into my shoulder blades. I can't even put into words the feeling of her rubbing her fingers over my knotted up muscles. It was horrendous, like someone rubbing over gristle. I actually had my mouth open in a silent scream at one point. I had tears flowing out of my eyes towards the end.
I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure as I stepped out of the little room after it was over and she handed me my glass of water, I saw one of the horns retreating back into her head.
Later, as I was telling Burn Notice about the torture I'd been through, he was like, "why didn't you tell her to stop?" Good question. I'm pretty sure I was in shock. Either that or I thought she might stab me. I think I'm going to have to go back and have a massage to recover from my massage.
To top the night off, on the way home, I stopped by the pet store to pick up my dog after he'd been groomed. Right when I stepped out of the car, locked the door and flipped it closed, I realized that I'd left the keys inside. "Fuuuuuuuuuudggggggge!
2 comments: