GAS

As I ease ever closer to the 40 year old mark, I notice more and more changes in my body. Changes that embarass and aggravate me to no end. Hair on the chin? Okay, I can deal with that. I fought through it though- Valiantly!! I went through the tourture of electrolisis and laser hair removal that ended with an extreme case of folliculitis and me looking like an itchy pus filled version of the Godfather. But I digress...

The latest travesty that I have been afflicted with is GAS. Bloating, Cramping, Un-Godly Flatulence. My doctor has placed me on a medication called Metformin to help regulate my monthly flow. Or as I like to call it Satan's Pill of Doom. The side effects of this medication are explosive to say the least.

Imagine...IMAGINE talking to someone and then it hits you. I am talking going from 1st to 5th gear immediately. No warning. Uhhh.... Uhhhh. That old jingle, "Gotta go, Gotta Go.. GOTTA GO RIGHT NOW!"- takes on a whole new meaning. The doctor wants me to take this Devil pill 3 times a day. I have barely worked up to 2 pills a day. Ugh. Sometimes you gamble and win...and sometimes you shower. Yeah... I know.

Yesterday, I made the supreme mistake of eating brussell sprouts. They are healthy and I wanted a vegetable. I ate an entire 10 oz frozen bag of brussell sprouts with my turkey sandwich at lunch. They were tasty...soo good. I munched them down in like 5 minutes. I HAD NO EARTHLY IDEA WHAT I WAS DOING TO MY BODY. I didn't know that I would continue to suffer as the afternoon became evening and the evening became night. But suffer I did, suffer I do...

I went to a 7:45 movie last night. (It's Complicated with Meryly Streep and Alec Baldwin- LOVED IT!!!) I could not get comfortable in my seat and they had us packed in there like sardines. My belly had expanded by monstrous proportions over my new jeans. My hands rested uncomfortably on top of my huge pregnant like abdomen. I was soo bloated that I thought I would start floating away like a large balloon.

After the movie and when I got home, I finally found some relief. I didn't care who heard me. If Brad Pitt had been standing there wanting to ravish me...It would not have mattered.

Note to self- Never eat that many brussel sprouts in such a short time period again! Ever! Never EVER!