Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Day 15

I've been questioning myself. You were alert that morning. I remember your head popping up and looking toward the door. You realized they were there before me. Did you know what was coming? Did I let them take you too early?! I thought I would have more time with you. But they came in, gave you the shot. These strangers that didn't know you. Didn't know what a wonderful, amazing, one-of-a-kind dog that you are. They gave you that shot... I blinked and you were gone. So quick. So damn quick. You trusted me to take care of you. I've got this ball of guilt wadded up inside my chest. Second guessing myself. "Never say Never," by the Fray is playing now. It makes my heart hurt. The phrase "Don't Let Me GO" keeps going echoing in my mind but I manipulate it- alternating it with "Why'd I let you GO?!" UGH. This grief is so tough. Just when I think I'm getting past it, another wave breaks and the pain is choking me, just like the day I let you go. I can't listen to Sarah McLachlan's, "In the Arms of Angels" anymore. I shouldn't have listened to it on repeat that day. It hurts to hear it. Now, I will forever associate that song with the loss of you. I'm told to focus on the life I gave you. You gave me life too. You were my best friend. You were my child. My companion on many a night. Living alone by myself in a one bedroom apartment- I couldn't even begin to count how many hundreds of walks we went on together. How many adventurs we had. We were so in sync. I'd whistle or click my tongue and you'd know to turn the corner. Your tail would wag so hard and you were just happy to get out and excited to see what was around the next bend. So many people would stop us in our walks- you brought joy to those around you. Most especially to me. Joy, Comfort, Unconditional Love. I miss coming home to you and your wagging tail. I miss your cuddles. I miss how you used to stretch out along my side and roll onto your back. I miss you laying on your back in the center of the floor, with your paws in the air. Just so content to be. I miss you, Squat.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Surviving Day 2

Yesterday, I let you go. I found I could get through the day if no one spoke to me. If they gave me sympathy or asked about you- If they did, it was all I could do to hold in the sobs. Gut wrenching, unspoken screams of agony. Rocking back and forth. Keening silently to myself. Maybe it was a mistake to head into work right after letting you go. But I had to have the distraction and I had work to do. At times, it felt like my skin was too tight. I yanked on my hair a couple of times trying to make the pain go away. So I took it hour by hour. I made it through the work day. It was all I could do to stagger out of the office and head home. My thoughts consumed by you. Maybe it wasn’t healthy to listen to Sarah McLachlan’s ”In the Arms of Angels” on repeat when I was in the car. I have two other dogs. Dogs that I love even when I can’t stand the sight of them. Dogs that give me stress induced Tourette’s one moment and in the next moment – the sweetest cuddle. And I love these dogs, I do. But they aren’t my buddy, my Squat. I admit it. I played favorites. It wasn’t intentional. You see, this dog called Squat, Stumpers by some- he stole a part of my heart from the get go. He was patient, sweet and just happy to be loved. You could see it in his face, in the wag of his tail. He came into my life during a pivotal time. I took him in as a stray. And he was my surrogate child. You see, I miscarried in my 5th month that year. I babied him. Gave him special treats. Let him sleep on the bed. He was there for me when I was at my lowest points. Love – unconditional love is what we gave each other and the strength of that bond is present to this day. It was present yesterday as I held him and looked him in the eyes and told him it was okay. Present in the way that my grief can bring me to my knees, in the open mouth soundless screams that are wrenched from my body, in the salty tracks left from the tears dripping off my chin.

Friday, February 1, 2013

I have joined the Gym. Again

4 years ago I was a member of a local gym and swam 3 times a week for an hour and twice a week would walk or circuit train for 30 minutes and then do water aerobics for 30 minutes. Well then I got laid off and we had to cancel our gym membership.

In 5 months I had a new job for less money and we were getting back on track but still could not afford $140 a month for 2 people. So now 4 years, two foot surgeries, a torn Achilles tendon, two sprained MCL's and 2 broken wrists, and 30 pounds more. We can afford to rejoin the gym.

1st of all they dropped their price to $39 a month for one person. Since Hot Carl didn't want to join, I just joined by myself.

So today was my first day in the pool in 4 years. I did 200 meters in 12 minutes and was exhausted. I was pretty proud of myself. It will take a while to get back to the level I was at 4 years ago.

I am swimming and the guy in the lane next to me stopped for a breather and I introduce myself and ask how long the pool is so I can track my swimming. He said 25 meters and we talked for awhile. He used to be a runner and injured his knee and shoulder and is now a swimmer. He was really nice. Told me they use a ton of chlorine and to buy some eye goggles to help not dry my eyes out.

We both started swimming again and I did my 8 laps and hopped out to take a shower, change and go back to the office. Oh I was on my lunch break.

I take my shower and it is boiling hot water. I am still red from the shower. Took me awhile to figure out how to turn it cooler.

I get out of the shower wrapped like a mummy in a towel and there is a naked woman just walking out of the steam showers. She is a big girl too. I can say that because I too am of the large variety. I am a "Venti" in Coffee language. She smiles at me says hi and says the steam showers are awesome. I say, "Oh, Hi and Thanks for the advice." While trying to figure out where to look and not offend her.

I go to my locker in the very back, dark corner and start to change. I still have my towel on and I am putting my suit and swim shoes in a plastic bag so they don't get everything wet. I then start to get dressed under the towel, when a petite trainer starts to get in a locker next to me. She starts talking away and at this point I am like screw it. I drop the towel and let my big white ass shine. I get dressed talking with her about her training groups.

She is one of the only trainers that does groups and it is a 1/4 of the price. I love that idea and when I get my medical release I think I might join her for a few sessions. I give her my email address and she emails me the info from her phone while I am still getting dressed.

She is just standing there while I am 1/2 dressed at this point chirping away about my knee brace and the scar on my foot. She was really nice and I liked her. It was just odd talking to someone while you have little to nothing on.

At least this isn't a skinny person gym. Oh there were skinny Minnie's in there but there were us "Venti" girls too. Made me feel better. Everyone was super nice and helped me find what I needed. I will keep you updated on the gym progress and I promise no pictures.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

From the highway

8 weeks ago I had foot surgery and we were going to visit my parents for Christmas. The surgery prevented me from driving and we usually split the 4 hour drive between us, so Hot Carl had to drive the whole 4 hours by himself.

So we are about 1 1/2hr outside of KC and my bandages were to tight & my toes were going numb. We pulled off the highway in Small Town, Mo to loosen them.

We pulled into the 1st shop & it said Feedlot. It used to be a restaurant now it is a vintage store and it was closed. It had the creepiest vibe ever. We pulled around the side & there was a house behind it with a bunch of little crosses in the lawn. Like a little grave yard. I asked Hot Carl if he wanted to go somewhere else.

He said no we will work fast. So he fixes my foot while I was look out for creepers. Strangest vibe seriously. He worked quick taking my surgery boot off, then my sock and the bandages. He re-wrapped my foot, put my sock and boot on & we are back on the road.

It looked like a scene out of Texas chainsaw massacre. Clothes hanging on a line. Tables and chairs for sale covered in snow. A mannequin naked in the window staring at us. Super creepy.

So I text all this to Chl, Ginger, Mad Dog and Spider Lady.

Chl responds: And the recluse/serial murderer inside looks out of the dirty front window as you pull back onto the highway and screams to his pet crow, "DAMMIT MOLLY THAT ONE GOT AWAY!"

Me: Oh too true. Or they called ahead to the rest stop crew & said be on the look out for a plump blueberry (What we call Hot Carl's car). One has a limp & should be easy to catch.

Mad Dog: Super Creepy!

Me: Oh you said crow not crew. Hard to read in a moving car with sun blinding me. I am not driving.

Mad Dog: Tell your Mom n Pop Merry Christmas. Hope ya’ll have a great time.

Me: Will do.

Spider Lady : 1. No pictures so we can identify this killer?
                       2. I think you forgot about the part when the killer writes down the license plate number so he/she can find you and make sure you don’t tell.  Or the crow if flying after you!

Me: If we are brave enough we will stop & take a picture on Sunday on the way home.

We were not brave enough to stop on the way back. So far no crows, crews or serial killers have found us.

Friday, November 9, 2012

It's Raining Men, Hallelujah!

Top 5
How tastes change as we get older.  Now it's all about the sexy.
Tom Hardy (oh and he's British)

Johnny Knoxville (don't ask, he just is)

Josh Hartnett (old school, I know.  I did name my chapstick after him after all)
Jeremy Renner (watch Bourne Legacy, you'll get it)

Taylor Kinney (plays a firefighter, isn't that enough?)

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Year of Construction Cont.

After we had the top of the deck finished. Hot Carl decided to put the stairs on. That was a major concern since we didn't want anyone falling off the deck.
Yes that is Hot Carl doing the Captain Morgan pose. We waited another couple weeks and put on the railing. It had been 106 degrees on Saturday so we just cut all the wood then rested. On Sunday it was only 90 degrees and our backyard is shaded so we were able to work all day and not boil in the heat. Don't get me wrong, my lazy office butt is not used to hard labor, so I was sweating and my body is sore today. He is me putting the balusters on.
We worked for 6 hours and we were able to finish the railing.
The only thing left to do now is the railing on the stairs. Which Hot Carl is doing today. Then we wait 2 months and we can stain the deck and call it done. After all that we now have to clean up the back yard which had been destroyed by trucks, us stomping around, hauling in wood and concrete. So this fall we are working on landscaping. I understand why we were quoted $12,000.00 to do the porch and $12,000.00 to do the deck, but since we have such awesome friends and family that helped us do all of the work for beer and food. We were able to do the whole project for $4500.00 instead of $24,000.00. That is a savings of 81.25% You can't beat that. Deck party to happen in the near future.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Year of Construction Cont.

Since it has been 6 months since we have done any construction. Thought I might update you on the remodel. After pouring the concrete pad we had to wait for winter to pass before we could rip off the upper deck, haul it off and start building the new deck. So we started by ripping the old deck off.
This took two weekends and 2 trips with a pickup and a trailer to haul all the wood off. This is what the area looked like after the deck was gone.
I know that was a lot of stuff under our deck. The next weekend Hot Carl and I dug 8 footings and poured 18 bags of QuickCrete into them.
The old deck did not have footings, which is one reason it was falling off the house. That and they used untreated wood to build it. We then waited a couple weeks and Chl's Trophy Husband helped us with his truck to get 80% of the wood to start the build. We started that weekend with a few friends and finished the frame.
The next weekend we were able to get the top of the deck on with a friend and one of my brother-in-laws.
Tune in tomorrow to see the rest.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Amish Chickens

Chl, Ginger and I went to a green fest in the area to look for heirloom seeds for Chl's garden and Jet Star tomato plants for me. While there Chl and I took in a canning class. We walked around and found all sorts of yummies to eat and looked at Organic Chickens. We already buy organic beef and pork, it is now time to get organic chickens. Side note. Great people watching at this event. Hippies, patchouli wearing women, farmers, etc. Chl had been buying some from one farm for about $14 a chicken. We found a few places here that were comparable. But nothing that yelled buy me. The next weekend Chl, Mad Dog and I went to yet another green fest. I still had not found my tomatoes and Chl was looking for more seeds. As we walked around we meet a young Amish man that was selling Organic, grass fed chickens and his prices were amazing. We filled out an order form, 2 for Chl. 2 for me, and 1 for Mad Dog. He said he was just north of the city and we would have to come out and get the chickens when they were dressed and ready. So I get a call Saturday when I am out of town and it was the Amish man saying our chickens would be ready Thursday afternoon. How am I supposed to get Thursday? We all work. Well I was able to get 1/2 day off and make the trip. There was no way to call him back. Amish don't have phones, he had to ride his horse and buggy into town and make the call from a borrowed phone. I couldn't remember the name of the place we were supposed to go and didn't have a copy of the order form. How am I supposed to get to a place I am not sure where it is? Then when we are all out to dinner celebrating Chl's Birthday I remembered the name. Hot Carl whips out his cell and Google searches it and finds the town it is in. IT IS NOT JUST NORTH OF THE CITY. IT IS 2 1/2 HRS AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh well. So I grab a cooler and head to work Thursday morning. At 11:30am I leave and take off to the middle of Missouri aka Amish Land. Now I had had a migraine for three days do to a pulled back so I take a couple pain killers before my 2 1/2 hr drive. Probably not the smartest thing I have ever done. I am already getting tired only driven 30 miles so I stop at a McDonald's and get a tea and lunch. Caffeine!!!!!!! I get to this tiny little town and it was a beautiful but long drive. Then the GPS decides I need to drive through a field to get to the house. I don't think so. I drive to the first farm. Have I mentioned I am on a dirt road? The nice Amish lady answers the door and I explain who I am trying to find and she said he was the 3rd farm up on the right. I thanked her and left. Turned off the GPS since it apparently want to hunt and kill chickens instead of taking me to the farm where they were already processed and waiting for me. I drive up three more farms and turn right. I see horses and cows just wandering around so I maneuver through them. I am not kidding. They were just walking around. I pull up next to the buggy and get out. A child of about 4 goes running inside to get his mother. She comes out and says her eldest son the one I had met was cleaning up and would be out soon. While waiting I asked her how long it takes to get to KCMO via horse and buggy, since it takes 2 1/2 hrs via car. She said when they used to have liveries where they could switch out horse it would take all day, but since there are no liveries any more. They have to hire someone to drive them in or like the green organization they picked them up for free. We had a nice little talk about weather, their farm, canning and produce. Amish Man came out and warmly greeted me and asked if I remembered a cooler. I said yes I did, I will get it out of the car. He walked over with me and chivalrously carried it for me. We walked into the basement of the house. I know that sounds creepy, but it is not. They he had all the chickens cleaned and ready to pickup. He asked if I wanted the hearts, livers and gizzard? I declined but thanked him for his offer. He grabbed 5 nice chickens bagged them and weighed them. He then sniffed one and asked if I smelled something weird. I said no. I smelled all the chicken the buckets of chicken feet, liver, and necks and nothing smelled bad. He then open my cooler and LORD ALMIGHTY WAS THERE A SMELL. We had blood in the cooler for last weekend when our beef was delivered. We both about gagged on the smell. He took my cooler out back and washed it out for me. He then said, that makes me feel better. I was embarrassed beyond belief. He said not to worry about it, things like that happen. I paid for the chickens, thanked him and told him I would see him in June to get the other bigger chickens we ordered. Oh and we only paid $8 a chicken. I stopped at a gas station bought another drink and ice for the chickens. Drove my 2 1/2 hrs home, delivered the chickens to said parties and then promptly laid on the couch and fell asleep. At least I know what to except in June and I will make sure my cooler is clean.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

men, men, men, men, Manly, men, men, men

Recent text exchange between my husband and myself.  Gotta love him...

Me:  Getting ready to stuff this in my face.

Burn Notice:  I got some cream filling for ya

Me:  Boys are stupid

Burn Notice:  You could have a worser

Me:  True. I could have someone with atrocious grammar.

Burn Notice:  You calling me a bumdass

Me:  You're awfully cute

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Assault of the Ginger Ninjas

A conversation between The Kid and Myself.

He looks like he might be up to something.

Back story: The Kid and several others in his Senior Class are playing Assassin. Each one paid $5 and received a "contract" to assassinate another player with a water gun. Fulfill your contract and get a new one, last man standing wins the pot. He's been living at my parents house for the last 2 days in hiding and last night he was having car issues so my mother drove him to take out his mark.

The Kid: I'm moving back in

Me: Yay.

TK: But I need the garage until friday and starting again monday

Me: Maybe.

TK: i need it
i was being chased by a car full of gingers yesterday

Me: I hate it when that happens.
Don't screw around "running" from these people and get into an accident.

I was on foot

Me: In that case, don't have an accident.

TK: I 'll wear my helmet

I don't think he realizes I wasn't talking about his head... Yesterday on the way to dinner Trophy Husband pointed out that they are LARPING (live action role playing). I told him he should keep that observation to himself least they stop. Come on, this is the most time The Kid has spent not playing video games in the last 5 years. These children are the future my friends, we're going to need to live for ever. If for no other reason than to laugh at them.